I first have to preface this post with a word on inclusivity. As a cis female, I can pretty much only speak to my own experiences. I recognize that not all people who have a vulva resonate with the term female ejaculation and that is totally fine. For ease of writing and reading I will try to streamline it as much as I can and be as inclusive as I can, but please know that this is only limited by your imagination. Own the language you feel most comfortable with, use the bits that work for you, and feel free to skip the rest. This post is meant to be informative and fun!
I am not an expert on “female” ejaculation. Let’s get that out there, right away. Speaking for myself and my own experience with ejaculating, I have (so far) only had it happen twice. Both times were with a conscious intention and it took a lot of work. I have been to classes, listened to podcasts, read books and articles on the topic. There is so much great info out there around squirting!
Are Orgasm & Ejaculation the Same Thing?
Orgasm and ejaculation are not the same! Though they commonly happen together in men and folks with penises, they are separate physiological events. There are many men who practice isolating their orgasms and holding back their ejaculations with the aid of Taoist practices and/or Tantra. Women and people with vulvas sort of have the “opposite” issue – we have to learn to (more or less) pair these two events where they may have not coincided before.
Concerns, or Am I Just Peeing the Bed?
One of the ways to put to rest the “peeing the bed” concern is to go before you start playing. Having an empty bladder will reduce the chances you will urinate. And if you do, don’t panic. It’s all in the name of fun. Put down some towels (and maybe some plastic sheeting like is used for babies, if you really wish to be diligent) and just have a good time!
“Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry, stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie.” -Shakespeare
Anatomy and Physiology
The vulva and its underlying anatomy is still so shrouded in mystery. There is a lot going on underneath the skin that is not visible to the naked eye. The clitoris that can be seen is just the tip of the iceberg. There really is so much more inside.
The spot we commonly call the “g-spot” is also called the urethral sponge. It has a different texture than the rest of the vaginal canal and tends to respond well to pressure (once everything is warmed up). Some people may need penetration to be deeper, higher up towards the cervix and uterus (which does lift as arousal progresses). This area is the anterior fornix. Sometimes called the “A-spot” it has the amazing capability to lubricate quickly when stimulated. [Gentle reminder: Play around, be gentle on yourself, breathe, and communicate with your partner(s).]
Ejaculate issues forth from the urethra in both male and female anatomy. In the case that ejaculation does not happen, it will be reabsorbed into the bladder, which is known as retrograde ejaculation. Because this fluid comes through the urethra, there will be trace amounts of urine, but it is mostly prostatic fluid with some glucose and fructose.
As much as you can, set the scene so that you feel as safe and comfortable as possible. This should take into account multiple levels of comfort: physical (comfortable room temperature, pillows, etc.); mental (peeing before, laying down towels, silencing your cell phone, locking the door, etc.); emotional (having open, comfortable communication and connection in a partnered setting). You might also wish to consider what type of aftercare you might want, particularly if you are embarking with a partner. Whether you ejaculate this session or not, will you want cuddling? Will you want your space? Will you want a blanket ready to be swaddled in? Try to envision what you may want, or at least be open to communicating your needs and wants to your partner.
4 Ways to Encourage the Chances of Ejaculating
Keeping in mind that all bodies are different, not all elements will work for everyone all the time. It’s important to experiment with various methods. It can also be a good idea to practice on your own first before trying it out with a partner. This is helpful when trying to communicate what you want or need them to do, not just to ejaculate, but for any sort of sexual interaction.
♦ High levels of arousal
As someone for whom ejaculation does not come easily (see what I did there?), I really had to work at it. That will look different for each individual. I had to build up to such a point that I was borderline rabid/insane with lust and just wanting to give up. I persisted, pushing through the ache starting in my arms from gripping the Magic Wand and the Pure Wand. After three orgasms I was rewarded with a warm, gentle gush issuing forth, before closing things down with a final, fourth orgasm.
♦ Don’t rush
I had never really, consciously put thought, time, and intention toward having an ejaculation. I was very laid-back about it; if it happened it happened; if not, that was okay, too. The two times I’ve ejaculated, I consciously set aside the time, made sure I wouldn’t get interrupted, and didn’t have anything especially pressing within the next couple hours. (Yes. Hours.) If I had to think about how long it might have taken me… It’s hard to say. Definitely over an hour. The first time was probably closer to two. But it’s not like I had a timer running in the background.
♦ Make sure you’re hydrated
Hydration is important for one’s overall health. In terms of ejaculation, it’s pretty paramount to the experience. It’s good to empty your bladder before playing, but you have to be hydrated if you want to call forth the gush. It would probably be helpful to have some water (or Gatorade or equivalent) nearby, maybe even with a bendy straw for ease of access and so play does not have to stop completely.
♦ Motion, the angle, and pressure
For some, the length of the toy will be an important factor, particularly if reach is an issue, or voluptuous bellies are in the way. But for many people, the g-spot isn’t very far in (for the most part). We’re talking just a few inches inside the vagina.
Overall, it’s more about the angle of the fingers or toys and the pressure being used. The most common description of using the “come hither” motion with fingers is pretty on point. You’re going to want to face the pads of your fingers upward, and curl towards the navel. The g-spot often responds well to rhythmic pressure. (Pro tip: Don’t be afraid to get your whole arm involved.)
If you’re using toys, there are lots of options that were created with g-spot stimulation in mind. You will notice that they tend to have a curve or angle to them. Good Vibrations has a nice selection including the highly lauded njoy Pure Wand. The Pure Wand is the top recommended toy to help with squirting. (It worked for me!) It is stainless steel, so it’s heavy but in some ways you have to do less work. It’s an amazing toy, will last forever, and cleans up super well. I think it’s totally worth the price tag, but if you really can’t justify it right now, or want something that isn’t metal, the Galaxy G is a good alternative. Acrylic is light and cleans up well, also.
Can All Women and People with a G-spot Ejaculate?
I hear this question often and it was recently asked of me via twitter. In the classes I have been to and various sources I have read, I have heard it said that all women can squirt. I honestly don’t have THE answer. And there might not be one, true answer. There could be folks who could do it who find that they have trouble in later years. Alternately, someone may have never squirted before becomes an ejaculation aficionado. All of that is valid and perfectly okay. Bodies change and life circumstances shift. Above all, have fun. As the saying goes, practice makes perfect. An evening spent trying to ejaculate without reaching that intention, is not an evening wasted.
We don’t use movies like the Fast and the Furious as drivers ed, so we shouldn’t use porn as sex ed. Porn is a lot of fun to watch. It can get us turned on and expose us to fantasies we may have never thought up. Keep in mind that the things that happen in porn are made with lots of editing and movie magic. How does this relate to squirting specifically? Well, don’t be too disheartened if your (or your partner’s) ejaculations aren’t the stuff of these torrid videos. It may be a real stream, it may just be a trickle or a gush. All of this is super sexy!
Resources and Specific Suggestions:
Women’s Anatomy of Arousal by Sheri Winston