The Beauty of Femmes #BOAW2018
This is my first time joining in August McLaughlin’s Beauty of a Woman Blogfest – Girl Boner category: The Beauty of Sexuality. I hope you enjoy! Be sure to peruse the other entries by clicking the image at the bottom between today and 11pm PST March 9, 2018.
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As someone who’s been on a path immersed in sexuality for the better part of ten years, I have been fortunate to interrogate and marinate over sexuality, gender, expression, and presentation as a whole and specifically how it all applies to me. I have the joy and the frustration to share that I don’t have all the answers. I don’t think anyone has all the answers – anyone who says they do is trying to sell you something. Certainly there are some answers which will make sense at different points in our journeys.
The older I get the more I know about myself.
The older I get the less I know about myself.
The older I get the more comfortable I am with who I am.
The older I get the more I realize the answer is Yes, No, and It Depends.
In the past couple of years, definitely since 2016, possibly before, I’ve been questioning my own identities. I’ve been questioning taking those identities for granted as a given, as a default. As I move through the world, I notice more and more the feelings I experience when someone puts a label or an honorific onto me. Casual uses of “Hey Ladies” and “Females” and “How can I help you ma’am?” bother me. I feel angry and annoyed. I feel limited, boxed in, choked, stifled. I feel unseen.
After spending time in spaces that are queer and trans affirming, gender bendy and fluid, it’s a smack in the face to be in “regular” spaces in the world where labels get put onto people.
As I was thinking of what to write for the “Beauty of a Woman Blogfest” I started to have some weird feelings around this. I think I still identify as a woman but more and more I feel like I’m swimming in gender neutral and agender feelings. To throw a wrench into these feelings that I haven’t quite “solved” yet, a majority of the time I do present and identify as a femme. I’m not so into the heels, despite being just five-foot-one, but goodness do I love makeup, getting my nails done – “traditionally” femme experiences, but it’s more than what actions I take.
So as I consider the Beauty of a Woman, I am moved to expand it out to the Beauty of Femmes. I feel like I get a broader picture that encompasses some of the gorgeous people in my life (who I may or may not have crushes on) who might not have been AFAB or even if they were are more genderqueer or agender.
[Note: I am purposely using the gender neutral “They” below to be more inclusive of these Femmes.]
They express themselves in a multitude of ways.
No two femmes are the same.
They are not a monolith.
They wear bold colors and they wear all black.
They wear leather and lace, jeans and graphic t-shirts, dresses and heels.
They have contour and highlight that will make you scream in envy.
They are bare-faced and they do what they want.
Femmes change as the desire suits them.
They are beautiful, never-ending works-in-progress.
They are warm and gracious, healers, activists, educators, creators.
They want to leave the world a better place than they found it.
They are strong, no-nonsense, with many side-hustles.
They are soft, sweet, funny, passionate.
They are optimists, realists, pragmatists;
Hopeful, skeptical, throwing shade, giving side-eye, ready to burn it all down.
They hold so much space for others, maybe because they’ve done the hard work of self-examination, discovery, and breaking out of boxes.
They heal their past wounds by being their most authentic selves.
They are who they needed when they were little.
They are who we need need now.
And how could I not Fall in Love, or at least Deep Like, with these amazing humans?
The way they take up space.
The way they make me think about myself, my work, the world, my impact.
The way they sip their coffee.
The way their heads tilt back and they laugh with their entire bodies.
The way their hugs envelope every part of your being, unjudging.
The way their bodies move in pleasure,
undulating, seeking, inviting;
embodied, unquenchable;
yearning, moving, engulfing;
present, grabbing, directing, pulling;
searching, breathing, pressing;
moaning, laughing,
clenching, pulsing,
sighing, shuddering,
glistening.
I hope you’ve enjoyed this piece. Please like, comment, and share!
To read other BOAW entries, please click the Blogfest image below.
I’ve never considered that my casual use of words like “ladies” or “ma’am” could make someone feel boxed in and trivialized. Thanks for sharing. I’d never want to marginalize the way a person feels.
I’m so glad that stirred something in you! Yay learning! <3 They can be such throw-away statements/labels! It can take a long time to unlearn, along with being mindful to use genderneutral they/them, but it can become second nature, too. And it's okay to mess up, apologize and/or just correct yourself and move on.
I love this so much, Victoria! Thank you for sharing so vulnerably (l adored your IG post!) and bringing such gorgeous inclusivity and respect to the fest. Gender is such a beautiful spectrum and the freedom to accept whoever/where ever we are–unknowns included–is so key. You = rockstar-awesome.
Thank you so much, August! This was a post that I really was unsure where it was heading. I love the hybrid of context + sensual. Thank you for creating the space!
Great post, thank you!
I recently changed the tagline for Ruby Glow to “seated pleasure” rather than “pleasure for the seated lady” as trans men have used it and I felt really awful for not being as fully inclusive as I thought I was being.
Such a huge life to learn so many things! And may we ALWAYS be learning.
I really struggled with puberty and growing into a Woman. It felt all wrong, but I feel so lucky to embrace it now x
Oh Yay! It’s so great to expand our circle of inclusion! More room for every body and more pleasure for every body! <3
I read your piece more than once and in each reading I discover more (so incredible) but it is this line,”they hold so much space for others” to which I always return. To me, this is the gender spectrum for everyone to explore as femmes as you demonstrate so powerfully in this piece. So lovely. Thank you.
Oh my goodness, I’m teary reading your comment! Thank you for your kind words. I agree, we are all lifted up when we can embrace ALL of our facets, since we are indeed, multi-faceted creatures. <3
This is such a beautiful post, thank you. It’s certainly triggered a few thoughts, and I want to give your words a couple of re-reads to see if anything clarifies.
I became aware of using gendered/exclusionary language a couple of years back (“hey guys”) and it was an uncomfortable realisation. Since noticing that, there are so many common phrases (“ladies and gentlemen”) that pass in a heteronormative world, but stick out like a sore thumb to me. Society loves a label, but I seem to kick back more and more against that, the older, and more aware I become.
Thank you for your sweet comment! <3 I almost forgot about "hey guys!" That one is so sneaky and for a while I fell into the "well, I'm from Southern California so it's gender neutral" thinking. Well, that's kinda lazy. I don't get it right 100% percent of the time, but I'm much more mindful and usually stick with "y'all."
Your poem was very touching and beautiful. I’m guilty of using gender labels and your post has really opened my eyes and demonstrated how problematic they are! Thank you for your openness and willingness to educate others! I really appreciated the Gender Wiki links, they were super informative. I had an OK understanding of agender before but the Gender Wiki link definitely educated me further and AFAB was completely new to me! Thank you Dr. Vixenne & Happy Festing!
Yay! Thanks Erica! I’m so glad to see this post/poem is expanding people’s minds! That’s such a gift to be able to give and witness. <3
I really enjoyed this glimpse into another kind of life. Thank you for sharing.